My bicyle

Goodbye, my bicycle.

I feel saying goodbye to my bicycle here is kind of an understatement. I think that more than most anything else, by trusty blue bike embodies Viet Nam for me. As I was biking along the other day and thinking about writing this blog post (a lot of thinking has gotten done on that bike), I was asking myself why it is I feel so strongly about my bicycle. Here is some of what I came up with…

Biking has probably been about the most consistent part of my life in Ha Noi. Along with eating rice every day and sleeping every night. A lot of things have been inconsistent over the course of this year: my job changed, my host-family changed, my relationships changed, my social patterns changed, my self-understanding changed. Growth and change are all well and good, of course, but often difficult and painful. I don’t really enjoy inconsistency. However, 98% of the days I lived in Viet Nam, I biked somewhere. I enjoy this.

Biking gave me independence. Daily bike commutes were some of my most independent times. I could stop and go without asking my parents’ permission. In the unaccountable time between work and home, I could meet a friend for coffee or stop to buy something. I could also get myself around in the evenings and on weekends without have to ask my host-family for help or negotiate the often unenjoyable services of a motorbike taxi driver.

Despite countless well-deserved complaints against Ha Noi traffic, I actually enjoyed being a part of it most of the time, and at the least, I appreciated it for its metaphorical value. Let me explain. Maybe the reason my bicycle seems so “Viet Nam” to me is because the traffic that constantly surrounded it (and me) seems so “Viet Nam” to me. It has everything—it’s gracious and rude, chaotic and ordered, passive and aggressive, selfish and generous. These contradictions baffle me. But I really believe if you look deeply at any culture, including your own, you are bound to find at least as many contradictions as consistencies. Culture is baffling.

Above all, traffic in Ha Noi is functional to the people who create and maintain it. I feel that (based on 11 whole months of study) maybe this is what culture is about—it is a system that serves its members. If you follow most of the system’s rules, you are a member; if not, you are an outsider, a “foreigner,” and you will not be served. You will go crazy if you’re a foreigner but you expect others to understand your culture and follow its rules. Or if you expect others to appreciate your unsuccessful efforts to act out their culture; you don’t get points for effort.

Better to just give up a little bit of yourself. Go ahead, give some of yourself away, and see what happens. In fact, you have a surprising amount of self. And if you relax your hold on a small piece of it, you may just find that through that new gap in your soul, you can reach much more than you had before. Because if you expect a foreign culture to give up anything up for you… you will spend a lot of time crying.

(I just said “you” a lot, and I don’t mean to be giving advice. Really, I’m just talking about me.)

This is kind of how I feel about traffic in Ha Noi—if I applied North American rules of road etiquette to it or if I expect other travelers to give me a pat on the shoulder and an encouraging smile when I almost got the turn right… well, I would just get really mad all the time (and probably cry), and nothing else would change.

Giving up your sense of being “wronged” on the road is really hard. In North America, I get mad when someone cuts me off and even madder if I don’t see their embarrassed and alarmed eyes in their rear-view mirror. They should at least be ashamed of themselves. This reaction of anger and condemnation gives me meaning, locates me in the matrix of social relations that shape my existence. I am an individual with certain rights (as is everyone else), and it is wrong for others to violate them. I have the right to space, to safety, to an enjoyable driving experience. These are not necessarily enshrined in a constitution, but the notion of individual “rights” documented there totally permeates the Western mindset.

Traffic in Ha Noi (from a Western perspective) is crazy. However, people rarely get angry. I found this astonishing at first, as my initial reaction was to start boiling with road rage within seconds. But before too long, I started to feel… I’m not sure exactly… like my angry was unnecessary. No one else was upset by the traffic patterns and, in fact, once I calmed down, I began to notice how truly functional it was. And actually enjoy the constant negotiation, the constant relationship you’re forced into with other travelers because no one is protected by “proper” rights, laws and traffic lights.

I’ve begun to wonder if the whole concept of rights is just an excuse for not having to get along with people around you—“We don’t have to talk because I’m suin’ yur ass!” But I digress. Another discussion for another time.

So on the road, I’ve let go of my right of way, my righteous indignation, my right to being anything but functional within this particular system. I’ve lost the sense of meaning that those “rights” gave me. Which can feel scary. But now I’ve gained this wonderful respect, affection and understanding for a way of being that at first was so upsetting. I really I think that biking the streets of Ha Noi is one of the things I will miss most about Viet Nam.

Compared to other upsetting systems I have attempted to adjust to, traffic was one of the easier ones really. But like I said, it creates perhaps the best metaphor—for losing yourself to find a new (and better) self. I hope that this is the self I will bring home with me… where I hope to loose it again. And again. And again.

My bicycle, thank you for giving me consistency, independence and helping me understand how to lose and find a self. I appreciate you and will miss you very much.